It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
when someone rings the doorbell
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.