None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You sure about that?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?