him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You sure about that?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza