*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Well, shit
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Lmao
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s