I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.