when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit