Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money