(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
So many people to disappoint, so little time
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.