Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60