My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs