There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
We will use anything but the metric system
