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Waking up has backfired on me so many times
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Tapped in
