This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.