Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.