After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies