Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen