Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao