Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story