“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.