how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy