BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
