I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I will never stop laughing at this
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
