tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
