panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
So sorry
I beg you to euthanise me
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Bear knowledge
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
No flush
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
