interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches