Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*