My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”