HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!