Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure