“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
superterriblemorningexpialidocious