if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend