She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket