You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”