Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel