ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Just added something to my bucket list.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
