Bought a house plant so I wouldn鈥檛 be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn鈥檛 go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
old twitter is back baby
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child鈥檚 behavioral issues. I-
鈽狅笍
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people鈥檚 tweets as my own jokes
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.