Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
