me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.