cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
this is literally a CIA plant
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge