Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?