Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.