me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
