I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale