if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
They grow up so quick
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?