Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.