Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I enjoy a good short stor
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
