Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
new shirt idea
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time