Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Can you solve the riddle??
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
