my mom making me talk to relatives
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.