haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I enjoy a good short stor
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.